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The Suicide

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Cool breeze is blowing today .Probably, it’s a rainy day .I’m walking down the road looking for any medium of transport. My heart tells me to run far away but I hold myself back .I feel drunk & giddy. There is a fear within me now. I know I should be with my family, in my house, in my room, studying hard to survive even after failing myself! But I’m leaving home, leaving the world to fulfill an unclear dream, an everlasting thirst for freedom, and a desire to break the chains of the world & reach eternity.

I don’t know where I shall go; maybe I’ll walk to the park to have a last look at nature. Now I can feel myself blankly walking towards the park trying as hard as possible to feel dead as if it shall make it easier for me to die. Now, I’m in the park. It’s crowded with adults & kids. I feel suffocated looking at them maybe because I have developed hatred towards life. I feel a need to find some place in this inferno amidst these strangers before I leave. I spot a place behind the plants, a patch of grass waiting to feel human touch. I walk up to it & lie there. My back is brushed & welcomed by the sweet, wet grass. The birds around are chirruping & pink, blue & yellow butterflies are displaying their beauty trying to impress me.

I smile at them lying silently without making a move. Maybe this is the last time I’ll do so because I’m going to go far away where no human can reach with his mortal carrier. I’m going to leave this inferno to enter a new paradise. I’m happy now & feel strong too. I get up & start to leave. Maybe I’ll come here again in a different way, becoming a free spirit that I always wanted to be. I know I should leave fast before worldly pleasures stop me. I shall find all my dreams come true in the next birth. Maybe I’ll be a boy again or an animal. Maybe I’ll live more than just 18 years in my next birth. I know I do have many regrets in my life. I know that my life has always been full of grievances. The girl I liked doesn’t even know me nor does she have any clue about my feelings. Maybe I’ll like her again in my next life .Also the teachers expected a lot from me but I have failed them now. An aggregate of just 80%! Is it worth all the hard work I did throughout my life?

Do I deserve to live after putting my family on shame& my career on stake? I have made up my mind now , I shall die today but I don’t know how? Now a drop of cold sweat washes down my back. It will definitely be today. Maybe I’ll drink something that will create a worldly repulsion within me or I would just cross the road in a careless manner or hang myself.’’ Why am I thinking about this right now? “ , my conscious questions. “Because I’m worthless, hopeless & shameless “, I reply to it hilariously.” you are ridiculous!” my conscious states firmly.’ I am not going to listen to you; I’m not going to let myself get entangled in your inspiring words. I’m not that selfish; I shall help in decreasing the surplus population ‘, I praise myself. I’m walking down the road now taking big leaps in an unusual hurry. I hope to witness myself dying with less pain & huge relief. How is life going to be after I die & what will people say? They’ll call me a fool, a coward who ran away from hardships of life escaping like a thief. My mom will be heartbroken. My dad will be disappointed & my relatives ashamed.

My teachers would be guilty or maybe relieved too to get rid of me. I guess this is my entire fault. That is why I’m the only one who is going to die today. Now my heart starts to beat faster choking within me , trying to finish its job as fast as possible. It’s become quite late in the evening, I must get back home or else my parents will get worried. I’m walking faster & faster. My limbs hurt. The wind is trying to bid a farewell to me by brushing my hair. My eyes are sparkling with the glitter of approaching death. The breeze is now cold. It unfolds a strange truth to me. I can imagine myself lying on the floor like a bloodshed injured by life. My eyes turn watery now. I recall the days of my childhood. Everyone loved me then, there were true feelings & there was love without any hidden conditions to be applied on me unlike now. That is why I no more wish to breathe this selfish air that reminds me of this selfish life.

I have reached home now. I must get to my room as soon as possible & reach for a sharp object that shall penetrate inside my lifeless soul & pierce out every bit of life left in it. My mom spots me. She is clever& always knows what I’m up to. I hope she doesn’t know what I’m going to do today. I pray to the lord to give her strength & not hate me when I’m gone. She calls out my name (another worldly tag attached to my hopeless life). I ignore her constant calls & rush into my room. She gets suspicious now & follows me. I’m scared whether she has found out the truth. Maybe she has just come to scold me or ground me (the work she is best at).

She tells me that my teacher had called. My heart beat stops for a second. I’m totally freaked out. I hold myself waiting patiently to hear the last words I’ll hear today from her. I feel like an emotional wreck. She says I have cleared my AIEEE exam & have scored a good rank! My ears wake up to that sudden call. I’m startled & perplexed now. She hugs me overjoyed. I am overwhelmed & look up to the sky thanking GOD out of gratitude. There is a sudden change in me now. I am running out of my house in a hurry & I can feel life return within me. My mom tries to stop me but fails. I can feel the speed of wind pacing up with me. I don’t need to die now! I do deserve to live now. I can help to reduce the population later. What a fool I was! I laugh at myself mocking my conscious. I can breathe this priceless air because it is no more selfish. Now the road has turned busy but I’m still running elated at my achievement .I can still feel the wind brushing my hair praising me! Now I can see a huge flash of light. I stop abruptly & cover my eyes. I can now hear something honk at me. It is faint & is gaining loudness. I try to look & find myself standing close to a car. I’m shocked & relieved too. I would have actually died if I wouldn’t have stopped. I stop to think. The car driver is shouting at me. I turn around ignoring him & walk back towards my home. I thank the divine power for making me realize how close an encounter with death can be. I apologize for even thinking about suicide. I’m safe now but feel too shocked. I reach home as fast as possible. My mom is perplexed at my weird behavior. I don’t reply. She takes it for granted that I’m misbehaving. She scolds me but I don’t turn away this time. I go & hug her. She is not shouting anymore. I burst into tears. I’m actually crying after many years. My mom smiles & then laughs too. I thank her silently. She understands me as she always does. Her selfless love for me is what I value the most in my life. She calms me down with her affectionate words. I now turn away happily & go to my room.

She doesn’t question me as if she had known the truth all this time. I feel calm & relaxed now. I promise to GOD & myself that I shall never make my parents ashamed of me ever. The breeze is still blowing outside. But now the night shall pass to unfold a new morn in my life, revealing a new day & a new me! I feel inspired now. But I realize its time to perspire too. I don’t get to sleep. Instead I take out my books& sit down to study so that there won’t be another day like this in the future of my lifetime that shall make me reconsider suicide again! I feel someone is smiling at me. I close my eyes. It’s the lord, my conscious, my wind, my soul. He appreciates & understands. I thank him again. Now I shall live for at least 70 years! I laugh again thinking about it!.

Contributing Story Teller:: Aditi Bakshi  a freelance writer currently studying in my 12th std. I’ve attended the creative writing workshop conducted by writer & critic VIJAY NAIR and hence, have got my formal training about article, short story, novel,screenplay writing & poetry writing from the former. I pursue great interest in any form of writing & I’m currently working on my first novel. bogus_bonafide@yahoo.co.in

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